Motherhood is weird as fuck. You’re obsessed with your tiny human, but at the same time would give ANYTHING for an hour long soak in a boiling hot bubble bath with a cuppa, scented candle and Netflix, only to miss their little face after 5 minutes.
It’s something no one did or could have possibly prepared me for! So here’s a little list because we all love a good list of things I’ve learnt so far.. I mean Elijah is only 10 months so I still have waaaaay more to learn. Fun fun fun.
1. Going to the toilet alone is a luxury.
Honestly, I never imagined having a pee in silence without a large baby tugging at my knees and putting bath toys in between my legs down the loo would feel so damn heavenly.
2. You care far more about what they look like than you.
Forreal. Just chuck me a quick powder up and shite mum bun, but you can bet I’m spending the extra five minutes choosing his outfit and baby wiping all the crap off his face before we leave.
3. It’s fucking exhausting.
At some point unexpectedly, exhaustion hits and a crying baby will cause you to love and hate your little babe at the same time, with emphasis on hate. The moment will pass and you’ll forget about it once you see their adorable sleepy face. Just take a few deep breaths and compose yourself. It won’t hurt your baby to be put down for a few minutes while you collect some sanity.
4. Packing the whole house before you leave.
Well it feels like it anyway. Nappies? Check. Wipes? Check. Snacks? Check. Half the toy box? Check. Crumpled up health visitor appointment letters and doctor appointment cards from 3 months ago? Check.
5. Everything is a bloody hazard.
Everything. I mean, it’s a given obviously. But things you never thought of are suddenly a choking hazard, or some kind of risk. I recently got down to the floor and crawled around to see what he sees… Not my finest moment but hey, the flat’s baby proofed!
6. You know all the kids TV intros.
And your Netflix will definitely suggest more kids shows than the serial killer documentaries you used to binge watch, before sleep became a luxury. This defo results in knowing and quite proudly reciting all the CBeebies intros… Soz Twirly-Woo’s but this gal is joining the duo.
7. You become quite obsessed with poop.
It’s so bloody weird. Nobody knows why. With nappy changing becoming a high percentage of your day, you can’t help but notice any change in poop! Idk how many times I’ve shouted Mum look at this poo!! But boy that first solid food poo was a shock. UGH.
8. Sneaking food like you’re back at school.
You bet your ass I’ll shove a whole biscuit in my gob to avoid any detection from my ninja kid. Seriously, it’s like being back at school trying to sneak food without being caught. It’s not even like he eats it, he just wants the food in my hand, licks it and drops it on the floor. 5 second rule though, right? Beggars can’t be choosers!
9. The loneliness.
Fuck me it can get lonely. Once the newborn novelty wears off, the visitors slowly ease off. Most friends without kids get bored of you being late, or you not being able to make lunch because of a baby appointment or it colliding with an unavoidable nap. The effort becomes one sides which can leave you pretty damn lonely. Thank god for like minded mum friends!
10. Becoming the mummarazi.
I ain’t even sorry! I love everything this kid does, and I’m forever taking 100s of pictures a day. You become besotted with everything they do.
11. You really can’t imagine life without them.
Nothing would be the same without them. I forget what life was like before Elijah came along, and I imagine it was pretty damn boring without my number one sidekick around.
Laura Loveday xo